Rule of Thumb: Frequently Asked Questions

• WHAT IS BATTERING?
  
• WHY DO WOMEN STAY?
  
• WHAT ARE SOME BARRIERS TO LEAVING A VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP?
  
• WHAT ARE SOME OF THE PREDICTORS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
  
• HOW CAN I TELL IF I AM BEING ABUSED?
  
• WHERE CAN I GO FOR HELP?
  
• HOW CAN I HELP A FRIEND WHO IS BEING ABUSED?
  
• WHAT'S NEW IN MISSOURI?

Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another. Assault, battering and domestic violence are crimes.

Definitions: Abuse of family members can take many forms. Battering may include:

• emotional abuse
• economic abuse
• sexual abuse
• using children
• using male privilege
• intimidation
• isolation
• and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation and power.

Physical Battering - The abuser's physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts which escalate into more frequent and serious attacks.

Sexual Abuse - Physical attack by the abuser is often accompanied by, or culminates in, sexual violence wherein the woman is forced to have sexual intercourse with her abuser or take part in unwanted sexual activity.

Psychological Battering -The abuser's psychological or mental violence can include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and destruction of personal property.

All too often the question "Why do women stay in violent relationships?" is answered with a victim blaming attitude. Women victims of abuse often hear that they must like or need such treatment, or they would leave. Others may be told that they are one of the many "women who love too much" or who have "low self-esteem." The truth is that no one enjoys being beaten, no matter what their emotional state or self image.

A woman's reasons for staying are more complex than a statement about her strength of character.

In many cases it is dangerous for a woman to leave her abuser. If the abuser has all of the economic and social status, leaving can cause additional problems for the woman. Leaving could mean living in fear and losing child custody, losing financial support, and experiencing harassment at work.

Although there is no profile of the women who will be battered, there is a well documented syndrome of what happens once the battering starts.

Battered women experience shame, embarrassment and isolation. A woman may not leave battering immediately because

• She realistically fears that the batterer will become more violent and maybe even fatal if she attempts to leave;
• Her friends and family may not support her leaving;
• She knows the difficulties of single parenting in reduced financial circumstances;
• There is a mix of good times, love and hope along with the manipulation, intimidation and fear;
• She may not know about or have access to safety and support.

The issue shouldn't be 'why do women stay?' As Don Conway-Long says in Jill Evans Petzall's documentary, RULE OF THUMB, (www.Beacondocs.com or www.wmm.org) "That's the wrong question anyway. The real question should be 'why do men keep doing it'?"

Q. WHAT ARE SOME BARRIERS TO LEAVING A VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP?

Reasons why women stay generally fall into three major categories:

Lack of Resources:

• Most women have at least one dependent child.
• Some women lack access to cash or bank accounts.
• Women who leave fear being charged with desertion, and losing children and joint assets.
• A woman may face a decline in living standards for herself and her children.

Institutional Responses:

• Clergy and secular counselors are often trained to see only the goal of "saving" the marriage at all costs, rather than the goal of stopping the violence.
• Police officers often do not provide support to women.
• Prosecutors are often reluctant to prosecute cases
• judges rarely levy the maximum sentence upon convicted abusers. Probation or a fine is much more common.
• Despite the issuing of a restraining order, there is little to prevent a released abuser from returning and repeating the assault.
• Despite greater public awareness and the increased availability of housing for women fleeing violent partners, there are not enough shelters to keep women safe.

Traditional Ideology:

• Many women do not believe divorce is a viable alternative.
• During the non-violent phases, he may fulfill the woman's dream of romantic love.
• Many women believe that a violent father is better than no father at all.
• Many women are s believe that they alone are responsible for making their marriage work.
• Many women become isolated from friends and families, either by the jealous and possessive abuser. The isolation contributes to a sense that there is nowhere to turn.
• Many women blame stress, alcohol, problems at work, unemployment or other factors to excuse his abuse.
• Many women think that their identity and worth are dependent on keeping a man.
• She believes that her abuser is basically good until something bad happens to him and then he has to "let off steam."

Q. WHAT ARE SOME OF THE PREDICTORS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

The following signs often occur before actual abuse and may serve as clues to potential abuse:

• Did he grow up in a violent family - where one parent beats the other, have grown up learning that violence is normal behavior.
• Does he tend to use force or violence to "solve" his problems? (A young man who who gets into fights, or who likes to act tough is likely to act the same way with his wife and children.)
• Does he punch walls or throw things when he's upset?
• Does he abuse alcohol or other drugs? (Be alert and do not think that you can change him.)
• Does he have strong traditional ideas about what a man should be and what a woman should be?
• Does he think a woman should stay at home?
• Is he jealous of your other relationshipsÑnot just with other menÑbut also with your women friends and your family?
• Does he want to know where you are at all times?
• Does he have access to guns, knives, or other lethal instruments and talk of using them against people, or threaten to use them to get even?
• Does he become angry if you do not fulfill his wishes or if you cannot anticipate what he wants?
• Is he extremely kind one time, and extremely cruel at another time?
• When he gets angry, do you fear him?
• Does he treat you roughly? Does he physically force you to do what you do not want to do?

Q. HOW CAN I TELL IF I AM BEING ABUSED?

Look over the following questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it's abuse. Does your partner....

• Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
• Put down your accomplishments or goals?
• Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
• Use intimidation or threats?
• Tell you that you are nothing without him?
• Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?
• Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
• Blame you for how he feels?
• Pressure you sexually for things you aren't ready for?
• Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship?
• Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family?
• Try to keep you leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"? Do You...
• Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?
• Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner's behavior?
• Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
• Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
• Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?
• Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
• Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.

Q. WHERE CAN I GO FOR HELP?

FOR CRISIS HELP, CALL YOUR LOCAL POLICE OR THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE AT 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

For additional information on resources available to help victims of abuse, please see our "Resources and Links" page.

Q. HOW CAN I HELP A FRIEND WHO IS BEING ABUSED?

Don't judge her or give her advice. Respect her decisions, even if you do not agree with them. Her confidence has been stolen and replaced with self-doubt. When you tell her what to do, you reinforce the message that she can't make good decisions

Remind her of the specific decisions which she has made which worked out well.

Help her get in touch with an advocate from a domestic violence programwho can assist her in developing a plan to get her needs met.

Q. WHAT'S NEW IN MISSOURI?

As the 21st century in Missouri begins, domestic violence organizations are focusing on collaborations and partnerships to ensure that there are no gaps in services for victims of domestic violence:

• The St. Louis County Family Court is one of six demonstration sites nationwide chosen for the Greenbook Initiative Ð a collaboration of the Court, St. Louis County Children Services Division of the Missouri Division of Family Services and area domestic violence service providers. The Departments of Justice and Health and Human Services will provide funding of $1 million, over a three-year period. The initiative focuses on system changes within the courts, child welfare, domestic violence services, mental health, and social services to more effectively serve families in need.
  
  
• Funded by the City of St. Louis through a Law Enforcement Block Grant, the partnership includes Legal Advocates for Abused Women which provides immediate crisis intervention and on-going support 24/7 for victims of abuse reporting a domestic violence incident to the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department. The project provides funding for vouchers for batterers referred by Missouri Probation and Parole to organizations that are members of the Association of Batterers Intervention Providers (ABIP), provides funding to Women's Support and Community Services for data collection and statistical analysis of the project, and includes collaboration between the victim advocates and Victim Services of the Circuit Attorney's Office.
  
  
• Partnerships between the City and County Family Courts and Legal Advocates for Abused Women (LAAW) to provide assistance to petitioners of Orders of Protection
  
  
• Battered Women's Economic Task Force which led to the development of REAP Ð the Economic Action Program of Redevelopment Opportunities for Women. REAP is a consortium of domestic violence and homeless service agencies whose mission is to combat poverty by assisting battered women in becoming economically secure. Services include a comprehensive economic education class and access to Individual Development Accounts. Other coordinated efforts include Court Watch, Domestic Violence Policies for Law Enforcement Officers, Battered Immigrant & Refugee Women Committee.